soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
