My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize