I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
