my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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