Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
