I think my vagina is haunted
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
