I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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