forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
