wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
