How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize