I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
