Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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