Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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