Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
