Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
