I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
