I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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