I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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