Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
