Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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