that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You were trust falling into bushes
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize