So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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