my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
