how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
