can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
