When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
