Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
