R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
