Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
