Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize