The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you will always have a special place in my vag
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
