you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
