i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
