I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize