Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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