It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
