She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
