How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
