Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
