hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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