he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
