okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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