i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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