my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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