That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
