Taylor Swift is so right about you.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I have fence marks all over my body
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
