hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
