She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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