i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
