my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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