...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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