i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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