My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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