cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
