wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
