Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
