he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
