I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
