What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
