I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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