i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
