wrigley field is MILF paradise
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
