Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I can't turn off my feet"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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