my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
