Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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