just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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