too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
