Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
