I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Randomize
