my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
