about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
